Top 5 Things To Never Say to Your Wife

To all the married men out there, here is a cheat sheet of some things that you should never say to your wife.

1. "Are you ready?" No. Your wife is not ready yet. You know she isn't ready. Asking her if she is ready when you know she is not and she knows that you know she is not will only irritate her. Let your wife get ready in peace. Appreciate that your wife is not simply rolling out of a bed wearing sweatpants to your anniversary dinner. (Speaking of which, you still have time to change). Learn to wait. And wait in silence. Your wife waits for you when you are in the bathroom for 45 minutes every morning. Wait for her. You have a phone and a chair. Use them.

2. "Do you want to drive?" No. Your wife never wants to drive. And if she does she wants to drive alone so that she can belt out Taylor Swift while sipping her caramel latte. If the two of you are in the car together, chances are you are going somewhere. Let your wife relax and enjoy Instagram. You focus on traffic, directions, and coming up with a plausible excuse for your in-laws as to why you were both late.

3. "You're wearing that?" Yes she is. That's why she picked it out, put it on, and proudly showed it off to you. It's because she think it looks good, it makes her feel good, and it is something she likes. Your question implies that you do not like it, putting your opinion in direct contrast to her obvious opinion that she does like it. Your foolhardy question will now spawn countless questions in your wife's mind? Does it fit? Does it make me look fat? Is it too big? Is it too small? Is it too showy? Does it match? Is it appropriate for where we are going? Is it conservative enough? Is it trendy? Does it make me look bad? You never want your wife to ask herself if she looks bad!!! Anything that your wife wears should always be complimented by you. You have no sense of style anyway. You are wearing a wrinkled untucked polo shirt, baggy jeans, and basketball sneakers to a French restaurant? Your wife has already scanned you up and down and given you a 10 on the Slob-o-Meter. But she is smart. She doesn't rub it in, and keeps her thoughts to herself. As should you! Give your wife confidence. Whatever your wife wears, it looks beautiful on her. If your wife pokes her head through a trash bag and asks how that looks, you respond, "Black is your color!"

4. "Could you find my [any object that you can find yourself]?"

What excites a woman more than the romantic prospect of going on a scavenger hunt through her husband's filthy piles of laundry looking for his favorite t-shirt? Or searching through the entire house looking for his keys that should be no where else but in the key bowl next to hers? How about when you task your wife to go find your toothbrush? Really want to get the sparks flying? Ask her to find you a clean pair of underwear. Your wife is not your personal helper, she is not your maid, she is not your butler. Have you looked yourself? No, you haven't. You are the epitome of laziness, asking another person to do a very basic task: look around for something. Get off your rump and start rummaging yourself. Your wife has already put in safeguards so that you won't lose things, but you ignored them, and now you are here! Dirty laundry goes in the laundry bin, not kicked in the closet. Coffee mugs go in the dishwasher, not underneath a pile of papers at your desk. And you're sitting on the remote control. Now put on her favorite show.

5. "What's for dinner?" This isn't the 1950s. Your wife is not your chef. She worked all day, then cared for your child, took a mere 30 minutes to unwind for herself on the couch until Mr. Hangry walked through the door with another request. Your wife can't do everything 100% of the time. Cut her some slack. You're hungry? Pick up some food on the way home for work if you're too tired to cook. Or, make that laborious Mt. Everest 15 minute hike to the store to pick up some ingredients to cook for her. What's cooking? Think fire, meat, smell, yum. A caveman can do it. You probably could too.

Random Eagle wants to hear from you. What are some other things you should never say to your wife? Email info@randomeagle.com to share your thoughts. Check out randomeagle.com for more content.