Single Man Checks Off First New Year's Resolution at 12:01 A.M. after Blocking Drunk-Texting Ex-Girlfriend

Surrounded by a carton of soggy lo mein and a few smashed fortune cookies, self-described loner, Robert Delario, a 28 year old IT Helpdesk support specialist, wasted no time when his phone lit up with a text from "Satan" just after midnight of the new year. Laura Kilpinter, Robert's longest-tenured girlfriend clocking in at just shy of 3 weeks, had sent yet another selfie of her locking lips with a total stranger, this time with a fully bearded bartender who also doubles as the local mall Santa. For the past 2 years, Robert has been the victim of "sexting-T," or sex taunting, ever since he could only muster a kiss on the cheek after his third date with Laura, a feat that Robert and the IT nerd community call "bunting."

"She just can't let it go," Robert fumed after blocking her. "I'm done with her."

At press time, Laura's sister, who had just turned on Robert's shower, couldn't be reached for comment.