Catholic Priests Submit Change.Org Petition to Vatican for NFL Sunday Ticket

Catholic priests representing every AFC and NFC Division have collectively obtained the requisite number of signatures on their Change.Org petition to move forward with their plea to the Vatican to open up its coffers and spring for universal subscriptions to NFL Sunday Ticket.

Although church donations globally have reached record heights, Rome has only increased priest salaries by 1.5% over the last two years, well below the pace of inflation.

"They are sitting on a pile of gold," complained Father Dubenstein. "They barely give us a raise. The least they could do is give us this holiest of holy perks. Do they know how much praying spikes when teams enter the red zone?"

"It may be the proverbial 'Hail Mary,' but they have to budge," chimed in Father Arnold, a rabid Bills Mafia fan. "I can't miss another Josh Allen 3-touchdown game just because they are playing the lowly Cardinals."

Father Pestermill, a skeptical New York Jets fan who still isn't convinced Aaron Rodgers can push the Jets over the hump, appealed to sympathy.

"They don't let us get married. At least let us act like every married man on Sundays and sit on our couch for 8 hours mindlessly watching 3 games in row."

"Our Sunday masses are done before kickoff. What else do we have to do the rest of the day?"

Sources outside the Vatican were unable to obtain comment but did hear large swaths of cheering around the time the Broncos scored their second touchdown in their preseason finale.